Things To Know When Dealing With Children
by MandaB
Summary: Yet again, Sirius and James learn something. This time, it is the complicated science of children. Read and review. Many thanks to Suaru-chan!


Things to know when dealing with children

**_You know James, I think I'm just going to go dig a hole, crawl in it, and stay there till i die. I don't think I can take much more._**

Aw, Sirius its not that bad...

James, yes it is that bad. Its worse! I keep getting my arse kicked by a small child and our female counterparts. What kind of sick torture is this?!

I believe they call it adulthood Sirius.

Yes well, adulthood blows chunks.

Yes it does just wait till you get married.

****

That will never happen!

Yes it will eventually. Now quit crying and tell the people our stupid mistakes so they don't do it.

1. Children are very easily influenced. Be careful of actions done in front of them for they could repeat these actions.

Once again, Sirius was over at the Potter's house. It was a common thing, and today he and James were watching little Harry while Bella and Lily looked at wallpaper and paint to decorate Sirius and Bella's new apartment. It was useless to get the men involved, seeing as how they could care less about whether banana or butter yellow would look better in the bathroom, so the women had made them as useful as they could be by having them watch Harry.

The two men sat little Harry between them and watched an old kung-fu movie that was playing on some television station. Not too far into the movie Sirius started to talk. "You know James, we could do that, I don't see what is so hard about it." Sirius said as he jumped up and assumed what he considered a fighting stance. James laughed and stood up. "I know what you mean Sirius, we could easily become muggle movie stars if all we had to do was jump around." The two began to perform kung-fu on each other, complete with sounds, only pretending to hit each other. James pretended to punch Sirius "below the belt" and Sirius jumped back. "Woah James, that would hurt. Other than that, we could handle the job no problem."

A little while later, the girls called the boys into the kitchen just long enough to eat lunch. The boys had finished and were clearing the table off, while little Harry was bouncing around the kitchen, karate chopping the air. Sirius walked over to his little godson, and patted him on the head. "Aw little guy wants to be a muggle movie start too." he laughed. Although, when little Harry aimed a real punch at Sirius, Sirius immediately stopped laughing, and fell to the ground. The loud thump of Sirius hitting the ground echoed throughout the house, and the other three adults came running. "Sirius what happened?!" Bella exclaimed. "James," Sirius managed to breath out raggedly, "never, EVER, pretend to hit me below the belt in front of Harry again. He doesn't understand pretend yet."

2.Whatever you do, be extremely careful about which words you choose to use in front of small children.

Football was a wonderful Muggle sport. This James and Sirius fully believed as they sat on the couch before the T.V. that afternoon, cheering on their favorite team. On this day, Harry, who was just one and learning to speak rather quickly, was settled on the couch between them, munching away on the popcorn though his bright green eyes focused on his father much of the time. The only time he bothered to glance up was when Lilly or Bella entered the room to speak to the two elder men, to no avail mind you since they were shut out by the game.

Unfortunately for James, Lilly chose to enter the room at the same time his favorite team lost. He rose, sending his drink flying, letting a curse slip from his mouth, "DAMN IT ALL!" "JAMES POTTER!" James turned, eyes wide as his sweet wife raised her wand, promptly smacking him upon the head a few times. "DON'T YOU EVER CURSE IN FRONT OF HARRY!" Bella stood not far away, glaring down Sirius who had dared to snicker as James was reprimanded by his wife. "Aw Lils, it won't hurt anything. It's just one little word." James said trying to defend himself. "Maybe to you it's just one little word, but he's in the stage of repeating things, and that is not something I want him to repeat." Lily told him. "Whatever Lils. I've tried to get him to repeat 'Daddy' for months. It won't hurt anything." James brushed it off.

That evening, Dumbledore came to have dinner with the group of friends in order to discuss Lily and Bella's teaching jobs at the school. They were halfway through dinner when all of a sudden little Harry decided to speak his first word. "Damn......damn......damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!" The room froze as all eyes turned towards little Harry who was giggling, throwing green beans up in the air as he chanted the word his father had used. It took only one look at Lilly before James ran nothing but a blur as he tried to escape the wrath of his wife. Needless to say James wasn't able to talk for the next few days without spitting multicolored scented bubbles.

3. Do not under any circumstances leave any child unattended with sugar, unless your one of those twisted people that like chasing down children on sugar highs. Note: Sugar is like a drug to children; it's addictive. Simply placing it on top of the refrigerator "out of reach" does not work. They will get it one way or another.

The following day, Sirius and Bella returned to the house so that the girls could finish picking out things for the apartment. They had moved on from color swatches and wallpaper, and were now looking at furniture. The boys had been banished yet again to the living room, and were watching television once again. Today the men were talking about things going on with the order, while Harry watched muggle cartoons, such as _Fraggle Rock. _The three were snacking on assorted candies from Honeydukes as they sat in the living room. The two adults paused in their conversation when they heard odd ramblings coming from next to them. They noticed that a majority of the sweets were missing and that little Harry was rambling, and looking around the room with a crazed look in his eyes, acting very paranoid. "Woah, okay little guy, that's enough candy for you." James told his son as he removed the bag of sweets from Harry's grasp. Before James could get it fully away, Harry swatted James's hand very swiftly, causing him to drop the bag in surprise. Before James could grab the bag again, Harry took the bag and ran. James and Sirius quickly caught the small boy, and wrestled the bag away from the crazed toddler. James walked into the kitchen, and placed the candy upon the fridge, not even bothering the two women who were now debating over whether or not eggshell or white would be the best color of mattress to have. Stopping briefly only to wonder why someone would care about something like that, James returned to Sirius and Harry in the living room.

However when James returned to the living room, Sirius was not on the couch, and Harry was missing. "Sirius?" James called out quietly. The last thing that James wanted to do was let the girls know that something was wrong. He heard a muffled yell from behind the couch and went to check out the noise. When James got behind the couch, he never expected to find what he did. "Sirius?!" James exclaimed. Sirius was laying on the floor, bound and gagged. "What happened?!" James asked as he pulled the gag from his friend's mouth. "Harry grabbed your wand, somehow managed to do this to me, and then ran giggling, crying out 'Candy!' The boy is completely bonkers James!" Sirius exclaimed. James creeped into the kitchen to see if Harry had went after the candy. There standing on the counter was little Harry, holding James's wand. James held his breath as little Harry leapt from the counter to the top of the refrigerator as if he were a frog. Once Harry grabbed the candy, he did a running jump off of the fridge into James's arms. Once he was safely caught, he started eating the candy once again. At the sigh of relief that James made having caught the child, the two girls looked up from their work. "James! Harry doesn't need anymore candy!" Lily exclaimed. "But Lil's I had the candy put up I swear!" James protested, in a feeble attempt to save himself. "Well then how did Harry get a hold of it?" Lily asked. "Well, first I came in here and put it on top of the fridge. But while I was gone, Harry grabbed Sirius's wand and bound and gagged him. So once I untied Sirius I came back in here and Harry leaped from the counter to the fridge, grabbed the candy, and then jumped into my arms…" James trailed off, realizing that Lily did not buy his story any better than McGonnagal did about the story that he and Sirius were just trying to help Snape realize his true sexuality by forcing him to dress in drag.

4. Do not for one second believe that just because you THINK the child is asleep, and SEEMS to be asleep, that he actually IS asleep.

It had been a long day, and even so when James tucked little Harry in, silently creeping out of his room and shutting the door, he padded down the hall to his and Lilly's room, grinning at his wife. "I know that look and you can forget it." James pouted, sitting down at the end of the bed. "Come on Lils', he's asleep. We need some "us time"." Arching her brow Lilly gave her husband a 'are you sure' look to which he eagerly nodded. "You swear he's asleep." "Yes, he's asleep. Now c'mon Lils', just a quickie."

It took some coaxing to get Lilly to agree but after lengthy and daring banter James by some miracle of chance was going to get what he wanted. However, it seems the fates are cruel and twisted because just as they turned out the light, slipping under the covers, arms wrapped around each other the door squeaked. James ignored it thinking it to be nothing and while Lilly hadn't heard it she quickly noticed the pair of eyes peering at the from the side of the bed. James however, since he was "so sure Harry was asleep" was forced for one week to sleep outside Harry's bedroom door.

5. Children are masters of escape. Do not think that any device meant to keep them in place will work; it wont. Did we mention that they can run very fast and be hard to catch when they escape?

Frustrated that yet again the small child had gotten the better of them, Sirius and James conjured up a playpen with 5 foot walls, so that Harry could not climb out easily. Thinking that this arrangement was safe, Sirius and James returned to watching their football game. However they were shocked five minutes later when they reached for the bowl of popcorn only to find that it was on the lap of Harry, who was now seated between the two. "What the hell?! Harry how did you get out?" James asked not really expecting an answer. Harry just gave a little baby giggle, and continued to watch the game while he ate his popcorn.

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6. Men, if you are going to have a secret stash of your "reading material", be sure to keep it where the children cannot get a hold of it. Because when he runs out of pages in his coloring book, he will look for other "books" to draw in. And all children just love to show mummy their creations.

James was enjoying a relaxing afternoon at home. He was reclined on his bed, reading one of his, um; mature magazines. Lilly had taken Harry to the store with her and Sirius had just dropped off a new magazine which he was leafing through when he head Lilly and Harry return home. Hastily he rose, fleeing down the hall to stash the books under a sofa in the family room in a hidden pocket; though in his haste he didn't fully hide the edge of one magazine though he wouldn't discover this till later.

It was shortly after dinner, Sirius and Bella had come over that night, and the adults had gathered in the family room. Harry was busy in a corner drawing away, though Lilly could have sworn he had used up his coloring book. Shrugging it off she chatted away with Bella, laughing every now and then as the four talked about their time at Hogwarts as teenagers. It was only just before Lilly was going to get Harry ready for bed that the little one came over to her, thrusting a magazine in her hand. Taking one look at the page which even though scribbled upon with colors one could clearly see the picture of a female body. "You…." Sirius gasped, nearly smacking James for his stupidity. "I just got that and gave it to you and you didn't even hide it!?" To late did he realize his mistake before both were converged upon by their significant other. One good think came out of this however, or so the girls felt, at least the boys were now well versed in the reproductive system of a woman's body; my health classes and magazines can be very graphic in the most vulgar ways.

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7. Once you have children, privacy is a myth. There is no such thing as going anywhere alone anymore, because wherever you are going, the child must also go.

James could no longer remember the last time that he had been alone with Lily. Or went to the bathroom alone for that matter. It seemed that ever since Harry was born, James had no privacy. If he went to the bathroom, Harry went to. If James took a nap, Harry went to. If James and Lily got the slightest bit intimate, Harry was not only there, but screaming and jumping on the bed too. James was at his wit's end, trying to gain back some normality that was once his life.

It was a quiet day, and Harry actually was sleeping. James performed numerous charms to make sure that the child was sleeping before he grabbed some clothes and flew to the shower. Lily had gone shopping with Bella to pick up dishes that would match the table, that matched the wallpaper, that matched the floor tile (or something like that) in Sirius's new apartment. James, not having had any privacy in over a year, took this opportunity to take a shower in peace. He turned on the hot water, and was just beginning to enjoy his shower, when all of a sudden the shower curtain was ripped open, to reveal a small Harry standing there. "AGH!" James shouted. "Daddy naked…daddy naked…DADDY NAKED!!!" Harry cried, finally saying Daddy, but in a way James never would have dreamed of. James flew out of the shower and got dressed, but it was too late. The toddler repeated the phrase for the rest of the day, causing Lily and Bella to laugh mercilessly when they returned.

8. Never, EVER buy the toys that make noise. It doesn't matter how much the children cry for the toy, you cannot buy enough Tylenol to get rid of the headache that the toy will cause.

Oh god's did Sirius ever have a headache. But no matter what he did Harry just wouldn't stop crying. James, his supposed best friend, had abandoned him to go to the bathroom leaving Sirius alone with a crying Harry as the girls shopped. It was then that he noticed the toy aisle and hoping to quiet his godson the wizard eagerly took him to the toys where to his joy the boy became happy as he played.

It was only when Sirius picked him up, taking him away from a small hand held toy with flashing lights that mad an array of ear shattering and annoying sounds did Harry start to cry again. He whined reaching out for the toy, struggling to go back to it. He fought so much and cried so hard that Sirius had to let him down before he dropped him. Harry promptly threw himself on the floor, giving the show of shows as he had a temper tantrum. It took many tries to get the boy to calm down and in the end; Sirius grabbed the toy, handed it to Harry, and carried the boy to the register where he bought it.

By the time the four made it back to Bella and Sirius's apartment the women were on edge, grumpy and annoyed as they went to the kitchen, and the two elder males who had to watch the baby while dinner was made sat giving the toy glares that promised death; to bad it had only just begun.

One week later at Lilly and James's home, James jumped at Sirius, screeching about evil toys and dark wizards posing as friends. It took both Bella and Lilly and many charms to stop the disgruntled James and then the two girls and Sirius to stop James from hexing Harry's toy into oblivion. It was only a while later that the toy suddenly turned up missing, though James was in higher spirits as well as the rest of them. To bad that Remus didn't know about the toy fiasco, maybe then he wouldn't have given Harry the same toy on his next visit.

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9. Never leave a child unattended, even for a short period of time. Results vary, but all end up in giant messes left for the adult male to take care of.

Whenever Lilly and Bella needed some "girl time" the boys were the babysitter, and after the first few times of protest where they lost and ended up knowing how vengeful, um, forgetful of time girls can be while having fun, they always accepted their position and watched little Harry. That Saturday was no different and James was in the living room with Harry, though he knew Lilly's rule about no drinks that can stain a white carpet he felt it would be alright, surely nothing could happen; right?

Sirius happened to be in the kitchen, attempting to make a snack, though James wondered if he was killing the meat because every now and then a loud thud could be heard. "Sirius, you need some help?" "YES, I THINK THE BLENDER HAS COME TO LIFE! HELP!" Sighing James stood, starring for a moment at Harry who was playing with his toy wizards on the floor, his milk forgotten on the table. Thinking it would be safe James left the room for a moment helping Sirius with the "attacking blender." It only took a few moments for them to sort out how to turn of the blender and grabbing their snacks and drinks the two men headed for the living room.

"I told you it wasn't ali- BLOODY HELL!!!" Jumping James found his foot had been impaled with a toy wizard and while to busy laughing to look around Sirius moved forward, tripping over Harry's chocolate milk cup. James moved to catch the drinks in Sirius's hands only to tumble over a couch cushion, knocking his elbow on the coffee table, kicking Sirius, in the process, who ended up stepping in a puddle of chocolate milk. Needless to say, it took a bit of effort and spells to clean up the place before Lilly returned. To bad they forgot the milk cup though; better luck next time.

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10. 10. Never take a child to a pet store. You will end up with a pet and the child and pet are always plotting against you...always.

"DOGGY! DOGGY! DOGGY!" James cringed, hearing his son calling to the puppies in the cage. Turning to look at him he saw Lilly whispering in Harry's ear, and after a moment she called a sales lady over. "Lilly…what are you doing?" "Getting a puppy for Harry." "But Lilly.." "Oh come on James. It's just a puppy. Besides, Harry needs a little friend and look, he loves them." "Well if he wants a puppy that bad, I'll just have Sirius come over and transform a lot. It will be much cleaner and cheaper that way." James stated firmly. But at the look that was upon Lily's face, James sighed, looking over at his son as he held a fluff ball of black and white that wiggled it whole body, licking Harry affectionately. "Alright."

Half an hour later the family of three, now four including their pet exited the store. "Well Harry what does Mummy's little man want to name her puppy?" Lily asked. "Damn!" Harry exclaimed, hugging the puppy around the neck tightly. Lily gave a glare at James, then turned back to her son. "How about something else sweetie?" Harry blinked up at his mother then smiled. "NAKED!" Biting back a laugh as James grumbled Lilly convinced the little boy that Champ was a much better name.

At home everything was peaceful, the puppy trained easily and he and Harry were the best of friends, always together. It even took to sleeping right next to the crib in its own little bed. Lilly adored it and while James thought it was swell he noticed a few things. One being that only after Lilly would leave him alone to sit with Harry or with Sirius would his shoes be gnawed upon, the paper ripped to shreds, pillows that were out of the dogs reach knocked all over. He also noticed that whenever he would go to scold the puppy it would go to Harry who would hold it protectively, frowning at his father.

He also noticed that where ever Harry was so was the puppy. When James took Harry out for a walk the puppy went and if the puppy didn't go….well lets just say James has lost a few items. Like his slippers, a pair of gloves, the remote, and his wallet more than once. It was to his total shock one day to find Harry opening the door to the clothes shoot by standing on a stool taking items from Champ and throwing them in. No wonder he couldn't find anything, Lilly never went down there; she always did her laundry upstairs since they had remodeled. He was careful from then not to leave Champ behind or upset Harry to much; he wasn't to keen on losing anything of value to the clutches of the plotting little ones.

**So you see people, while children may seem cute, they are actually quite ruthless when it comes to torturing you and ripping you of your privacy. Right Sirius? Sirius? SIRIUS! STOP DIGGING THAT DAMN HOLE!**

Ok...so now that we have gone through these traumatizing things, yet again, I hope that all of you are reading this are able to better understand just what it is like to deal with children. By the way James, no that they know, I have to ask; did the toy die yet?

No Remus cast a break proof spell on it, it doesnt even have to have batteries!

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James calm down man! Its not that bad!

Sirius, it is definitely that bad. Is your hole big enough for two?

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Not yet, but grab a shovel.

Well I'm James...

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And I'm Sirius

And if you will excuse us, we have a whole to finish digging

Well, how did you like it? Leave me a review. Many, MANY thanks to my cousin Suaru-chan for her major help with this fic. Yet another part in my saga on the two marauders learning something. If you have any ideas for a new one, please let me know, and I will be sure to credit it as your idea should I use it.  
Lotta love,  
MandaB


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